Pastorally supporting Christians experiencing attraction to the same sex
Sam Allbery gives us five principles for discipling Christians navigating attraction to the same sex. This longer form presentation runs for 45 minutes. You can purchase a license to watch Sam's presentation here.
Theology
​Pastoral Guidelines
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Know the key biblical texts that speak of homosexual sexual activity and develop a robust biblical theology of sex, gender and marriage, based on the wide sweep of biblical teaching and not just ‘proof texts’.
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Know the arguments around the interpretations about the specific passages that refer to homosexual sexual activity.
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Differentiate theologically between same-sex orientation/attraction and same-sex sexual activity.
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How do you think theologically about same-sex ‘orientation’? Are you consistent in the way you consider what is and isn’t sin in this area compared to others?
Further Resources
Audio/Video
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Dr Juli Slattery, Rethinking biblical sexuality
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The Living Out Team, What does God really say about sexuality?
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The Living Out Team, Marriage as a trailer
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Sam Allberry, Jesus is not neutral on sexual behaviour
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Andrew Errington, A theology of sexuality
Articles/Blogs
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Ed Shaw, What is sexuality for?
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Sam Allberry, What does the Bible say about homosexuality?
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Sam Allberry, Aren't we just picking which bits of the Old Testament law apply today?
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Digging Deeper
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David Peterson, Same-sex unions and Romans 1
Books
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Preston Sprinkle, People to be Loved
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Ed Shaw, Purposeful Sexuality
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Juli Slattery, Rethinking Sexuality
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Mark Yarhouse, Homosexuality and the Christian
Maturity
​Pastoral Guidelines
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Be patient with each person as you listen to their struggles and gently guide towards maturity in Christ.
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Remember sexual attraction is only one facet of a person’s life. Don’t treat same-sex attracted (SSA) people as ‘single issue Christians’, encourage holistic maturity and sanctification.
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Each SSA person will approach their struggle differently. We need to help people think through God’s guidance, singleness and marriage, celibacy, loneliness and more.
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Remind the SSA person that the gospel holds out both the hope of future glory, and the joys of life in Christ now.
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Many SSA Christians will have previously encountered “affirming theology” and may have found it emotionally engaging. How can you equip yourself well to respond to theologies like this?
Further Resources
Audio/Video
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The Pastor's Heart, Pastoral Care for same sex attracted Christians
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Sam Allberry, You are not your sexuality
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Sam Allberry, Do I have to like God's commands?
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The Living Out Team, Should I call myself gay?
Articles/Blogs
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Ray Ortlund, Gospel + Safety + Time
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Greg Johnson, I used to hide my shame. Now I take shelter under the gospel.
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Dani Treweek, Choice & Circumstance: Not a single thing
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Dani Treweek, Life without sex: Is it good?
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Andrew Goddard, How can we have good discussions with Christians who disagree with us on sexuality
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Books
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Ed Shaw, The Plausability Problem
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Rachel Gilson, Born Again This Way
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David Bennett, A War of Loves
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Sam Allberry, 7 Myths About Singleness
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Vaughan Roberts, True Friendship
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Mark Yarhouse, When Children Come Out
History
​Pastoral Guidelines
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The pastoral needs of a person who has grown up as a Christian and hasn’t engaged in regular sexual activity, are very different to that of a person who has turned to Christ from previous sexual experiences.
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A person’s cultural background will likely affect how these issues are seen by their primary support network. For example, eastern and western cultures often view same-sex attraction differently.
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Where family dysfunction, abuse in formative years, or mental health struggles are present, there will need to be extra pastoral support.
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Be aware of the way SSA Christians have been treated in the past, and how that affects their perception of the present. This may mean some topics are of particular sensitivity, and understandably so. When might it be appropriate to apologise for past hurts the church has caused people?
Further Resources
Audio/Video
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Living Out, Through the Decades
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The Pastor's Heart, Same-sex attraction, Jesus & Evangelical ministry
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Anne Witton, Sexuality, Identity, Culture and the Better Story
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Authentic Intimacy, How Trauma affects our Bodies & Souls
Articles/Blogs
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Center for Faith, Sexuality & Gender, Reflections from a closeted gay pastor
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Andrew Bunt, Coming Out - Some Advice for Christians
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Rachel Gilson, National Coming Out Day
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Laurie Krieg, How Getting Triggered Feels and How You Can Help
Books
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Greg Johnson, Still Time to Care
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David Bennett, A War of Loves
Emphasis
​Pastoral Guidelines
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Remember same-sex attraction and same-sex sexual activity are different. Struggling with a temptation towards a certain sin is not the same as engaging in the sin.
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Bear in mind in today’s cultural climate SSA Christians (and those close to them) may feel a higher level of guilt and shame when compared with other Christians.
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Treat an SSA person and their issues of temptation and sin as you would a heterosexual person who is tempted to sin sexually or in other areas. For example some pastoral responses can feel heavy handed even if they are wise and well meant.
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When might you consider seeking advice or referring people to others?
See also the videos under 'Theology'
Further Resources
Audio/Video
Articles/Blogs
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Rachel Gilson, Christians and sexuality
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Juli Slattery, How to choose a wise counselor
Books
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Wesley Hill, Washed and Waiting
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Ed Shaw, The Plausability Problem
Holiness
​Pastoral Guidelines
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The key to holiness is pursing identity, joy and satisfaction in Christ, along with the other benefits of the Christian life including church family and Christian friendships.
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For all Christians, the fight for holiness is real. The SSA Christian ought to be encouraged to resist sin and temptation. Many SSA Christians will often have a deep awareness of these issues.
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Create a culture of strong friendships within the church, especially ones where people can be open, accountable and vulnerable about temptation struggles.
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Holiness is the goal of the Christian life, not heterosexuality. While acknowledging that sexual orientation can be fluid for some, don’t endorse so-called ‘conversion therapies’.
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Pornography is deeply unhelpful for any progress in Christian holiness. Accountability structures can be extremely helpful. Don’t allow awkwardness to prevent you from recommending good practice. Computer software that restricts or reports pornographic material strengthens defences further. What other steps might someone take to help them guard against seeking satisfaction in anything or anyone other than Christ?
Further Resources
Audio/Video
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The Pastor's Heart, The problem with 'You be you'
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Rev Dr Marshall Ballantine-Jones, Disarming a pornified culture
Articles/Blogs
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Dr Greg Coles, You don’t need to pray that God makes me straight
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Rachel Gilson, Friendship when you could *like* like someone
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Rachel Gilson, When God's rules don't make sense
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Rachel Gilson, I left same-sex romance for love
Books
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Ed Shaw, The Plausibility Problem
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Sam Allberry, Why does God care who I sleep with?
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Brian Rosner, How to find yourself: Why looking inward is not the answer
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Andrew Bunt, Finding your best identity: A short Christian introduction to identity, sexuality & gender
Sin
​Pastoral Guidelines
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When a person sins, every attempt should be made to restore them gently, holding out that the Christian life is one of repentance and faith.
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Be aware of the greater level of shame the person caught in same-sex sin may feel.
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Facing up to sin is an opportunity for spiritual growth but which also involves complexity and pain. This is particularly the case if the sin involves a romantic/emotional relationship.
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Going through church discipline and restoration is potentially a time when someone will be most vulnerable to falling away. Make sure the person is linked with another Christian (perhaps yourself) for help and support.
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When would it be appropriate to withdraw someone from serving or leadership in ministry? Where have you seen pastoral responses to sin modelled well?
Further Resources
Audio/Video
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Sam Allberry & Ray Ortlund, Showing gentleness & grace
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Juli Slattery, What do I do when sexual sin gets the better of me?
Articles/Blogs
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Juli Slattery, God says not to judge... right?
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Dr Juli Slattery, 4 things to remember if someone you care about is "deconstructing"
Books
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Juli Slattery, Rethinking Sexuality
Language
​Pastoral Guidelines
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Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Never use language that you know could be offensive.
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Assume and speak as though SSA people are in the room (church, Bible study, youth group etc). Be especially aware of your use of personal pronouns like ‘they’ and ‘them.’
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Be careful in your use of terminology, because some terms in this area mean different things to different people.
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Make sure that you don’t speak as if the goal of the Christian life is marriage. Consider the impact this way of speaking has on the celibate Christian.
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What words can helpfully be used to describe large church events, services? Would the SSA Christian who is committed to a life of singleness and celibacy feel included?
Further Resources
Audio/Video
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Greg Coles & Preston Sprinkle, Why language matters in the LGBT+ conversation
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Living Out team, Should I call myself gay?
Articles/Blogs
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Rachel Gilson, How to be a safe space for the same-sex attracted
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Greg Coles & Rachel Gilson, "Gay" vs "Same-sex attraction:" A dialogue
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Sam Allberry, The Christian debate over sexual identity: Orientation and labelling
Books
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Mark Yarhouse, Homosexuality and the Christian
Culture
​Pastoral Guidelines
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Make it clear that being same-sex attracted in itself is not an impediment to leadership within the church.
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Highlight illustrations, testimonies and examples of celibate SSA Christians active in church life. Their stories can be powerful examples of living for Christ. Foster a culture of listening to one another’s stories, particularly to those who feel least heard.
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Promote hospitality, where life is lived and shared with others outside the modern western notion of a nuclear family.
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Think through the life of a celibate SSA person from age 20 to 80. What pastoral, relational and spiritual help would that person need at different points for which you could possibly establish structures in your church?
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Does your church have a written policy on leadership? Does it include a note on the need for holiness among leaders – and what holiness is like?
Audio/Video
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The Pastor's Heart, Pastoring singles with Dani Treweek
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The Pastor's Heart, Same-sex attraction, Jesus & evangelical ministry
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The Pastor's Heart, Loving singles over Christmas & January with Dani Treweek
Articles/Blogs
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Sam Allberry, Where to find hope & help amid the sexual revolution
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Gregory Coles, The before and after testimony problem
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Juli Slattery, You can be single & sexual
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Center for Faith, Sexuality & Gender, What is a mixed orientation marriage?
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Dani Treweek, Hey, single Christian. Your celibacy isn't extraordinary, & Hey single Christian. Your celibacy is uniquely meaningful
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Andrew Goddard, How can we have good discussions with Christians who disagree with us on sexuality?
Books
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Sam Allberry, 7 Myths about singleness
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Wesley Hill, Washed & waiting
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Gregory Coles, Single, gay, Christian
Further Resources
For Parents
Further Resources
Audio/Video
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Preston Sprinkle, Parenting LGBTQ kids
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Hole in My Heart, Guiding families with Bill Henson
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Juli Slattery, A teen girl is hinting at feeling same-sex attracted. How do I invite her into conversation?
Articles/Blogs
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Sean Doherty, How should I respond if my child comes out to me?
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Laurie Krieg, 5 Tools parents can use to build relationships with their LGBT+ kids
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Gregory Coles, Four truths I wish I'd known as a gay teen
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Ed Shaw, Take your time
Books
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Preston Sprinkle, Living in a Gray World
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Andrew Bunt, Finding your best identity: A short Christian introduction to identity, sexuality & gender
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Brad Harper & Drew Harper, Space at the Table
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Mark Yarhouse, Homosexuality and the Christian
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Olya Zaporozhets & Mark Yarhouse, When children come out