Pastorally supporting Christians experiencing attraction to the same sex

Sam Allbery gives us five principles for discipling Christians navigating attraction to the same sex. This longer form presentation runs for 45 minutes. You can purchase a license to watch Sam's presentation here.

Theology

Pastoral Guidelines

Know the key biblical texts that speak of homosexual sexual activity and develop a robust biblical theology of sex, gender and marriage, based on the wide sweep of biblical teaching and not just ‘proof texts’.
Know the arguments around the interpretations about the specific passages that refer to homosexual sexual activity.
Differentiate theologically between same-sex orientation/attraction and same-sex sexual activity.
How do you think theologically about same-sex ‘orientation’? Are you consistent in the way you consider what is and isn’t sin in this area compared to others?

02:34

Why is the gospel good news for LGBT people? | Ruth Lukabyo

What is a biblical theology of sexuality? | Rob Smith

What is a theology of sex? | Rob Smith

What is godly sexuality? | Rob Smith

What is sexual orientation? | Patricia Weerakoon

Is the term orientation helpful? | Patricia Weerakoon

Further Resources

Audio/Video

Dr Juli Slattery, Rethinking biblical sexuality
The Living Out Team, What does God really say about sexuality?
The Living Out Team, Marriage as a trailer
Sam Allberry, Jesus is not neutral on sexual behaviour
Andrew Errington, A theology of sexuality

Articles/Blogs

Ed Shaw, What is sexuality for?
Sam Allberry, What does the Bible say about homosexuality?
Sam Allberry, Aren't we just picking which bits of the Old Testament law apply today?

Digging Deeper

David Peterson, Same-sex unions and Romans 1

Books

Preston Sprinkle, People to be Loved
Ed Shaw, Purposeful Sexuality
Juli Slattery, Rethinking Sexuality
Mark Yarhouse, Homosexuality and the Christian

Maturity

Pastoral Guidelines

Be patient with each person as you listen to their struggles and gently guide towards maturity in Christ.
Remember sexual attraction is only one facet of a person’s life. Don’t treat same-sex attracted (SSA) people as ‘single issue Christians’, encourage holistic maturity and sanctification.
Each SSA person will approach their struggle differently. We need to help people think through God’s guidance, singleness and marriage, celibacy, loneliness and more.
Remind the SSA person that the gospel holds out both the hope of future glory, and the joys of life in Christ now.
Many SSA Christians will have previously encountered “affirming theology” and may have found it emotionally engaging. How can you equip yourself well to respond to theologies like this?

03:03

What are some hurdles that young people have? | Ruth Lukabyo

Gospel + Safety + Time | Sam Allberry

What would you do when someone comes out to you? | Wesley Hill

What does it mean to live as a faithful follower of Jesus in my experience of sexuality? | Wesley Hill

How does Jesus shape our pastoral care in the area of sexuality? | David Bennett

How do we pastor someone who experiences attraction to the same sex? | Welsey Hill

Further Resources

Audio/Video

The Pastor's Heart, Pastoral Care for same sex attracted Christians
Sam Allberry, You are not your sexuality
Sam Allberry, Do I have to like God's commands?
The Living Out Team, Should I call myself gay?

Articles/Blogs

Ray Ortlund, Gospel + Safety + Time
Greg Johnson, I used to hide my shame. Now I take shelter under the gospel.
Dani Treweek, Choice & Circumstance: Not a single thing
Dani Treweek, Life without sex: Is it good?
Andrew Goddard, How can we have good discussions with Christians who disagree with us on sexuality

Books

Ed Shaw, The Plausability Problem
Rachel Gilson, Born Again This Way
David Bennett, A War of Loves
Sam Allberry, 7 Myths About Singleness
Vaughan Roberts, True Friendship
Mark Yarhouse, When Children Come Out

History

Pastoral Guidelines

The pastoral needs of a person who has grown up as a Christian and hasn’t engaged in regular sexual activity, are very different to that of a person who has turned to Christ from previous sexual experiences.
A person’s cultural background will likely affect how these issues are seen by their primary support network. For example, eastern and western cultures often view same-sex attraction differently.
Where family dysfunction, abuse in formative years, or mental health struggles are present, there will need to be extra pastoral support.
Be aware of the way SSA Christians have been treated in the past, and how that affects their perception of the present. This may mean some topics are of particular sensitivity, and understandably so. When might it be appropriate to apologise for past hurts the church has caused people?

What do we do when someone comes out? | Sam Allberry

How can churches create safe spaces? | Wesley Hill

Casualties of culture wars | Mark Yarhouse

Between two cultures | Mitch Smart

Understanding the 'double life' | Mitch Smart

How does trauma inform our pastoral care? | Betsy Rodgers

Further Resources

Audio/Video

Living Out, Through the Decades
The Pastor's Heart, Same-sex attraction, Jesus & Evangelical ministry
Anne Witton, Sexuality, Identity, Culture and the Better Story
Authentic Intimacy, How Trauma affects our Bodies & Souls

Articles/Blogs

Center for Faith, Sexuality & Gender, Reflections from a closeted gay pastor
Andrew Bunt, Coming Out - Some Advice for Christians
Rachel Gilson, National Coming Out Day
Laurie Krieg, How Getting Triggered Feels and How You Can Help

Books

Greg Johnson, Still Time to Care
David Bennett, A War of Loves

Emphasis

Pastoral Guidelines

Remember same-sex attraction and same-sex sexual activity are different. Struggling with a temptation towards a certain sin is not the same as engaging in the sin.
Bear in mind in today’s cultural climate SSA Christians (and those close to them) may feel a higher level of guilt and shame when compared with other Christians.
Treat an SSA person and their issues of temptation and sin as you would a heterosexual person who is tempted to sin sexually or in other areas. For example some pastoral responses can feel heavy handed even if they are wise and well meant.
When might you consider seeking advice or referring people to others?

When should pastors and ministry leaders refer onto heath professionals? | Patricia Weerakoon

Further Resources

Audio/Video

Juli Slattery, What is a better way to approach the statement, "Love the sinner, hate the sin"?

Articles/Blogs

Rachel Gilson, Christians and sexuality
Juli Slattery, How to choose a wise counselor

Books

Wesley Hill, Washed and Waiting
Ed Shaw, The Plausability Problem

Holiness

Pastoral Guidelines

The key to holiness is pursing identity, joy and satisfaction in Christ, along with the other benefits of the Christian life including church family and Christian friendships.
For all Christians, the fight for holiness is real. The SSA Christian ought to be encouraged to resist sin and temptation. Many SSA Christians will often have a deep awareness of these issues.
Create a culture of strong friendships within the church, especially ones where people can be open, accountable and vulnerable about temptation struggles.
Holiness is the goal of the Christian life, not heterosexuality. While acknowledging that sexual orientation can be fluid for some, don’t endorse so-called ‘conversion therapies’.
Pornography is deeply unhelpful for any progress in Christian holiness. Accountability structures can be extremely helpful. Don’t allow awkwardness to prevent you from recommending good practice. Computer software that restricts or reports pornographic material strengthens defences further. What other steps might someone take to help them guard against seeking satisfaction in anything or anyone other than Christ?

How should we conceive our idenities? | David Bennett

Developing vulnerability in church culture | Mark Yarhouse

What have we got wrong? | David Bennett

How do we become a healthy, vulnerable church family? | Mitch Smart

The spiritual danger of pornography | Wesley Hill

Pornography and pastoral care | Jackson Stace

Further Resources

Audio/Video

The Pastor's Heart, The problem with 'You be you'
Rev Dr Marshall Ballantine-Jones, Disarming a pornified culture

Articles/Blogs

Dr Greg Coles, You don’t need to pray that God makes me straight
Rachel Gilson, Friendship when you could *like* like someone
Rachel Gilson, When God's rules don't make sense
Rachel Gilson, I left same-sex romance for love

Books

Ed Shaw, The Plausibility Problem
Sam Allberry, Why does God care who I sleep with?
Brian Rosner, How to find yourself: Why looking inward is not the answer
Andrew Bunt, Finding your best identity: A short Christian introduction to identity, sexuality & gender

Sin

Pastoral Guidelines

When a person sins, every attempt should be made to restore them gently, holding out that the Christian life is one of repentance and faith.
Be aware of the greater level of shame the person caught in same-sex sin may feel.
Facing up to sin is an opportunity for spiritual growth but which also involves complexity and pain. This is particularly the case if the sin involves a romantic/emotional relationship.
Going through church discipline and restoration is potentially a time when someone will be most vulnerable to falling away. Make sure the person is linked with another Christian (perhaps yourself) for help and support.
When would it be appropriate to withdraw someone from serving or leadership in ministry? Where have you seen pastoral responses to sin modelled well?

Care with compassion | Betsy Rodgers

Listening to personal narratives | Mark Yarhouse

What is the difference between temptation and sin? | Rob Smith

What is the difference between internal and external temptation and sin? | Rob Smith

More equal engagement | Betsy Rodgers

How does sin impact sexuality? | Rob Smith

Further Resources

Audio/Video

Sam Allberry & Ray Ortlund, Showing gentleness & grace
Juli Slattery, What do I do when sexual sin gets the better of me?

Articles/Blogs

Juli Slattery, God says not to judge... right?
Dr Juli Slattery, 4 things to remember if someone you care about is "deconstructing"

Books

Juli Slattery, Rethinking Sexuality

Language

Pastoral Guidelines

Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Never use language that you know could be offensive.
Assume and speak as though SSA people are in the room (church, Bible study, youth group etc). Be especially aware of your use of personal pronouns like ‘they’ and ‘them.’
Be careful in your use of terminology, because some terms in this area mean different things to different people.
Make sure that you don’t speak as if the goal of the Christian life is marriage. Consider the impact this way of speaking has on the celibate Christian.
What words can helpfully be used to describe large church events, services? Would the SSA Christian who is committed to a life of singleness and celibacy feel included?

Preaching to the room | Jackson Stace

What do we do when someone comes out? | Sam Allberry

People describe their sexuality differently | Mark Yarhouse

Clarity is kindness | Betsy Rodgers

Understanding how people describe themselves | Mark Yarhouse

How should the church speak the gospel into this area? | David Bennett

Further Resources

Audio/Video

Greg Coles & Preston Sprinkle, Why language matters in the LGBT+ conversation
Living Out team, Should I call myself gay?

Articles/Blogs

Rachel Gilson, How to be a safe space for the same-sex attracted
Greg Coles & Rachel Gilson, "Gay" vs "Same-sex attraction:" A dialogue
Sam Allberry, The Christian debate over sexual identity: Orientation and labelling

Books

Mark Yarhouse, Homosexuality and the Christian

Culture

Pastoral Guidelines

Make it clear that being same-sex attracted in itself is not an impediment to leadership within the church.
Highlight illustrations, testimonies and examples of celibate SSA Christians active in church life. Their stories can be powerful examples of living for Christ. Foster a culture of listening to one another’s stories, particularly to those who feel least heard.
Promote hospitality, where life is lived and shared with others outside the modern western notion of a nuclear family.
Think through the life of a celibate SSA person from age 20 to 80. What pastoral, relational and spiritual help would that person need at different points for which you could possibly establish structures in your church?
Does your church have a written policy on leadership? Does it include a note on the need for holiness among leaders – and what holiness is like?